Sometimes I find kink-sites a bit stuffy. Everyone is so gung-ho about being kinky, that they simply forget what it is all about. Therefore, I set out to find a poly-relationship among the uninitiated on a normal dating site and found that there was plenty of fish to choose from.
You might think that “normal” people are not into polyrelationships at all, but that’s where you’d be so very wrong! At least men are more than open to polyandry, and I couldn’t live in a more traditional corner of the world if I tried. I live on the island of Tasmania, that, by international standards is like a huge nursery just created for the needs of traditional nuclear families to thrive in. However… I wrote a very candid dating profile on Plenty Of Fish, and the response has been overwhelming. I still haven’t found my Princes Charming, but I have found so many good-looking, amazing guys that it’s merely my decision to wait for the absolute Right Ones before starting anything, and I am an exceptionally picky girl.
The reason why people don’t usually say much about what they really want on normal dating sites is because they are willing to adapt to the norm, and we ALL KNOW what the norm is. So everyone says the same thing with just shades of difference, and the response these people get is usually very mild, right… So what do they do, they go back to the profile and start editing out everything that “might sound weird”, right? 😀 Interesting people are unusual, however, and editing out everything that makes you, you, is very unwise, but certainly, the fact you are trying to find a poly relationship makes you instantly more intriguing than your boring mono-competitors.
Paint a picture of what you want
People rarely think about alternative relationship types to monogamy, but there are TONS AND TONS of naturally polygamous people out there. It is a TRUE alignment that simply exists in a dormant mode in most people; unexplored, undisturbed by an explorative thought. Therefore, you have to describe to your profile visitors that what is it that you are envisioning for yourself, and describe your ideal partners in the most every-day terms possible, rather than “test how serious they are” by loading the text with a lot of poly-jargon. The jargon has it’s place, but not if you want to find the hidden gems who are absolutely deathly bored with the same ol’ same ol’ relationship paradigms like particularly men tend to be. (There are ample pickings for polyandrous women out there!)
You can emphasize the sex, but at the same time, most people STILL want romance and connection, and that being the case, you might want to weave that in somehow, but… You might not want to over-emphasis that one, because it may come off needy and also, it’s really difficult to make true emotions arise when you are already putting a lot of expectation for them to do just that. It has to be there somewhere as a distant possibility, but not something that you expect to happen on first contact or you’ll think the dude’s a creep!
Remember that polyrelationships are a FUN alternative to the dried up old mono!
When you approach new people with the idea of poly relationship of any type, remember that it’s supposed to be FUN, not a freaking call for a social reform. 😀 I think we all go into the social reform -mode from time to time, but it cannot be the basis of your relationship itself, can it? First, you have to enjoy your relationship, and if you put a whole heap of social reform -type of expectations on it, on top of expecting an emotional connection right off the bat, you are putting a lot of performance pressure on a relationship type that is already a little daunting to enter into to begin with. If you figure it has to work or it was a failure altogether, you’re setting off with the wrong foot, and are BOUND to fail on some level – you might make the relationship a lasting one, but you will take away from the fun, exciting part, and the part that actually makes it a superior relationship type to monogamy; the sexiness of it and the novel, naturality of it, the part that should allow the relationship to evolve freely without ready-made expectations and a whole lot of red tape all over it.
Find a poly relationship or wind up in one?
OK. This is a difficult but an important aspect to understand: You should feel OPEN to polyrelationships, but try to find just ONE person who you would love to spend the rest of your life with to begin with – someone who is equally open to a polygamous relationship. This way, you won’t get stuck into the “this is not a relationship until there’s 3 of us” trap, and you’ll be counting numbers yet again, making both of you anxious to fill your end of the bargain. It should be primarily about finding love rather than the attempt to find a poly relationship.
What I know about myself that I do have a very wandering eye, I love men, and I hate the feeling of not being able to look at guys with that eye on them while in a relationship. I want my guys to be turned on by that trait of mine rather than be threatened by it, and I want them to be free to get hotted up at the thought of their girl being a little too much for one guy to handle. Therefore, the goal here is not to find two men to boss around, but to find one guy who loves the fact he is never sitting too pretty on his throne of ownership. The naturally polyandrous men, just like the polygynous female equivalent, love the feeling of jealousy, they love the competition, and the opportunity to turn on the charm higher than their competitors – you win some, you lose some – and when they find the partner who they know loves them for everything that they are, so much so that no matter how many others there is, they will always return no matter what… That is heaven.
Commitments kill relationships – mono and poly alike.
Commitment makes a relationship BORING and predictable, and also, chore-like. Commitments are for babies who do not trust their own attractiveness and true love. That does not mean I would not trust permanent relationships to be possible, quite the opposite, I trust them much more than the people who insist on a commitment do. If you are truly in love with someone who loves you back that much, you don’t need to ask them to stay that way, if it is true love, they will find NOBODY or NOTHING they’d rather be with than you, and therefore, commitment serves only those relationships that would not survive without it. What is worse… Commitment kills natural relationships, because it makes a gift of love a contract based love-lease that gives you the right to complain if love isn’t given in pre-stipulated amounts on a regular basis. Gag.
Therefore, do not look for people who are “ready to commit” unless you really, really cannot live with the idea of non-committed permanent relationships due to your insecurities and fears, in which case, it might be your only option in addition to a lot of therapy. 😉
Fun only happens when people are free to come and go… to have fun or not have fun… And once you know the people who are free to come and go and choose to glue themselves on your side because you’re The One… That’s when you know you’ve got the right people next to you… AND THAT is the beauty of poly-ideals to begin with… Not a bastard form of monogamy that you try to convince others to be “just as good” as monogamy, when in reality, they are potentially SO, SO much better!