What men want in a woman is one of those baffling questions that have been plaguing society for centuries by now. Women guess a lot because stating it out loud would be unchivalrous, so women figure they want big boobs, blond hair, and sex… But that would be the wrong guess more often than it wold be correct.

Contrary to a popular belief, men are a lot less interested in the physical appearance of a woman than what women fear, but are by no means blind to it. Guys who do shamelessly admire beautiful women do not, however, necessarily admire the physical qualities women think they do. A flawless mask -like makeup is not what most men want in a woman, nor are they interested in the clothes they wear, except when the clothes signal an ideology that they, themselves hold. Men are not threatened by intelligent women, but dumb women who think deliberately confusing men is a sign of intelligence keep telling themselves that. Guys are also not threatened by strong, independent women, but clearly, who would want to become the boyfriend of a ball-buster or a control freak… That is not being strong and independent, but again, control freaks who do not consider other people’s feelings like to congratulate themselves with those adjectives.

What men want in a woman is clearly, again, an over-generalization if we start talking about all members of the masculine gender as a collective group. What a guy wants has to do with his life goals, for instance, a businessman will need a different type of a woman than, let’s say, a rock star would. (Great examples, right?) But it is safe to say that all men want a woman who understands his needs and his life goals and values and is able and willing to support those values and goals in a relationship. Because men are much more driven to achievements outside the home, their likes, wants, and dislikes are a lot more aligned with their professional goals than those of women. Women who also have goals outside the home life do understand this, and will select their own partner among men who support their intellectual goals the same as men would.

A friend of mine, at the ripe age of 16 pointed this out to me as I was dressed up in essentially the same rock n’ roll uniform as the men I was interested were: “If you want to attract those guys, you might want to dress up the way the women in the rock videos are.” She made a good observation, but, at the same time, I was already signaling to my guys that my ideology was the same as theirs, something that is far more interesting to a guy than sex appeal, which, to especially an androphile polyandrous man is shaded by natural, authentic disrespect of the average woman. Being drawn to the rare androphile woman, they regard most women as decorations and expect them to dress accordingly, while they wait for that one woman who has the courage to show their “alliance to the cause”, whatever that cause might be, and that is done by dressing up to signal understanding of the values of whatever goals the guys are thriving toward. That is not to say they do not appreciate a girl being a girl, just that her expression must reflect mutual internal values, should she wish to be truly respected by the men.

What men want and what they settle for is two different things

Because to men, the internal values are much, much more important than the external, they believe women feel the same way about their values; family, friends and the like, and they probably do. That is why they try to go out of their way to accommodate the needs of a woman – hoping for the women to extend them the same courtesy, which, arguably, women rarely do. The idea that we both do our best to give each other what we need is a given to a man, why else would a relationship be  needed, but they are not half as focussed on how much they are receiving as women are, and that results into a situation where both the husband and the wife are more focussed on her needs than his, and his needs go unmet so easily, that when he meets a girl who automatically thinks the way as he does: “I give first, and worry about receiving only when things have gotten really bad” he will snap out of his former satisfaction and realize how short changed he’s been through most of his relationships.

A lot of women feel deflated at this stage: “Now why would I bother for some guy…?” These women are gynephiles, who actually prefer women over men, and should thrive towards polygynous relationships, not monogamy let alone polyandrous unions. (I blog a lot about polyrelationhips here.) I have met a lot of this kind of thinking, the utter deflation at the idea of having to do something for a guy in a relationship – and I have been talking to women who claim with a  hand over their hearts to have met their “twin flame”, someone who they love more than anyone else and want for themselves more than anyone else… And yet… She feels like to ask her to do ANYTHING for this guy is like asking a sloth run a record-breaking marathon.

This is why what men want and what they are willing to settle for are two different things. The more they have to give in on the emotional needs, physical needs, and the need of connection and companionship, the more they demand from the superficial end of the spectrum, just like women do; someone who looks the part being something that both genders when they are feeling deflated and disillusioned will settle for.

What men want in a woman is someone who understands him, loves him for who he is, who he has an amazing intellectual, emotional, and sexual connection with… But just like women, he is willing to settle for a lot less.

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