My spiritual awakening has happened alongside as I’ve uncovered my own authentic sexuality in such a way that they have been inseparable. One of the many topics that I needed to clarify and wade through in order to know myself as an authentic being was my possible bisexuality. The following may be a little difficult to follow.
I have a theory, that gender typically men and women think differently. It is not gender specific, the way we think, but it is gender typical, and one aspect that governs this is our sexual orientation, and that influences who we want to impress and who we want to understand and connect to.
I have always regarded myself as a 100% heterosexual woman, and bisexuality has never really been a part of how I see myself. As such, I prefer the company of men, I think more like men, and like to please and impress men rather than women. When I dress, I want to catch the eye of men rather than women, and my first alliance is always with men, not women.
The rise of the question of my possible bisexuality
One of the things that I questioned to myself, long ago, was the validity of my heterosexuality. I read somewhere, that all women were bisexual in reality. Of course, whenever you read “all women” or “all men” you should already feel sceptical about the validity of the statement, but I wondered about it, in my early 20’s, thinking, if that’s true, I must be in deep denial because I have no interest in women in the sexual sense.
So… One of the things, as a result, that my spiritual… boot camp, as I call it, “the testing”, or the psychic attack that started in 2012 and is still on-going, targeted was my sexual orientation. Even though before, I considered lesbianism a sort of a fringe thing, something that very few women actually were (despite what I had read) I seriously did not think about them much, apart from one time when a friend of mine was hit on by a woman, and I wondered out loud how I was surprised that never happened to me. (I won’t explain much, but as she is one of my “spirit guides” the fact that she thought I was jealous, and the fact that other friends erroneously remembered having had a sort of a lesbian relationship with me at a specific school for a year, the question of my sexuality was a huge deal for the women, and they attacked me from all ends to bring down my denial. In 1995 to 1996 I shared a room with 3 other girls at a Pop/Jazz-school, and we had 2 bunk beds, and the top bunk of the other one fell through, so we decided to push the beds together and 3 of us slept in the bottom bunk and I slept on the top, but my friends forgot I actually didn’t share a bed with them and they insisted for a long time before I realized where they got their lesbian idea from that that’s what they were thinking about…) So as some minor things I said caused my female friends to think that I was a bisexual, they insisted on liberating me on that front despite my insistence that I didn’t need it nor want it or have any interest in women or gender preference readjustment of any kind, even if I believed anyone could be turned bisexual given enough time and energy, let alone true love and acceptance of the person as a whole – something I never felt from these “friends”. The “love” I felt from them was more insisting and arguing for something I owed them or needed to dish out because they wanted it and we were “friends”. Rather than true love or even a real crush, it was an ego-driven need to prove their own powers of seducion. Clearly, not exactly the environment where you feel free to explore new areas to your sexuality feeling accepted and cared for. 😀
The day I cracked
However, it took them 4 and a half years to find a crack in my “defences”. I had already identified situations where women played a part in my sexual fantasies, but they were always in a sort of a support role, the focus was always on men, and her job was to either get me laid or get the guys excited or what not; to not go into detail, the focus in my “lesbian” fantasies was always on the men, so I didn’t really consider them lesbian, not in real sense, anyway.
This one instance, however, was different. I was half asleep, half awake, and I felt this girl (who I think was an old school friend of mine from where I grew up) sort of give me this idea, this titillating idea of “being naughty” and “having fun” together, naughty, secret fun, it was just a second or two, but the energy that she sent me was entirely different to all other attempts that had been quite aggressive and brutal, to be honest, or, maternal and suffocating, something that I didn’t feel tempted by. This one was different. The feeling was fun, exciting, and naughty, tempting rather than, for example, needy or anti-male, like a lot of the other lesbian approaches I had felt.
Regardless, I felt BUMMED!! I felt so crap about having to admit that there was, after all, an angle that a girl could use to get to me, that I felt absolutely defeated and crappy. So did my guys. Everyone was completely down. It was like our high security system was suddenly been compromised and we had no idea how to fix it.
Lucid bisexual fantasies (Meeting in a meditative state)
This is not love. This is hate.
I figured, however, that I had to look closer into it, considering I do not believe avoidance has any place in spirituality, and that, no matter what the consequences, it was always best to know the truth in it’s whole, so I allowed myself to venture into the bisexual world… Even if in my mind only – where all my ventures took place anyway.
The first image that came to me was me luring a girl into sleeping with me, I felt powerful, alluring, I could feel getting between her ears and under her skin, I knew what button to press and I knew I had her full attention and that I could do anything I wanted with her. I took her to a hotel room, gave her an orgasm or two, tucked her into bed lovingly, and then, emptied her purse without a second thought. I was completely cold, even vindictive towards her. I had enjoyed the sex, and now, I was going to make her pay for it. I walked out with her money while she was still sleeping, and I took it to my guys – it seemed we had run out of money and she was our best bet to clear the next petrol station.
I proceeded testing my new found powers on all the bisexual girls around me who had been pestering me for months, if not years, to come clean about my sexuality. I could swim right into their minds. I could play them, twist them, I could extract information out of them and I felt I could use this information against them somehow – I have never understood why people keep secrets because who the fuck cares about people’s secrets, but now, I knew. I had to get as much personal information out of them as possible, so that I could throw it in their face later if I needed to. I was collecting collateral and an insurance for myself – when she would try to use me, I would be ready to turn the tables and make sure she would be the one hurting, not me.
This was not love, this was hate.
I used my sexuality to gain things from them, they were not my friends, and they were not my lovers, they were nothing but assets that I had in my use. I felt no respect, no remorse, no warmth, and my sexual interest towards them was the feeling of control and power over them, and the potential gain that I could get out of them, and I had no intention hanging around once I got what I wanted.
Their attraction to me was the knowledge that they were a target, that someone wanted them, and blindly, they gave themselves to the illusion of love and affection.
As I returned to my guys, I would hate myself for having been where I’d been. “Don’t touch me. I’m covered in pussy juice.” I told them. They’d chuckle, but none of us was happy. It was like swimming through a slimy river because we had to.
The other thing that happened was the complete blinding towards other people and their needs, not only from my personal perspective but also from “me and my men (my family)” perspective. Nobody else mattered. They bore no meaning to us. Whatever we wanted or needed was ours if I could get my hands on it. The needs of other people vanished, it was my family and I, and that was all… Other people were our tools and sources of survival, nothing more.
What a harrowing thought it is, that this is exactly as I felt a lot of my female friends and family thinks.
The women backed down
One of the positive side effects to this was that the women backed down. They no longer harrass me for attention. They know what I say is true. I also found an ability to really hurt their feelings – another extremely positive side effect to this, and one that I was lacking before. In another lucid vision, I would first sleep with one of the most beautiful women I know, then, as I play with her breast, I say out loud as if thinking to myself: “I’ve always been a fan of the natural breast, myself…” Then, I got up to look myself in the mirror, fondling my own breasts: “Don’t you think it is nice to know that not everything you see in front of you is utterly fake?” Such sentences or cruelty has never been a part of who I am, and all of the sudden, I could see myself having a sexual relationship with someone who I merely wanted to tear down. What was the most amazing thing, too, was that the girls didn’t know how to respond. They took it laying down as if I had the right to speak to them that way, or like it was normal. They simply sank in their feelings but didn’t say anything. The power games were over and I was the victor. I could do whatever I wanted… Because I was the one who cared the least, but they had what they wanted; The appearance of a relationship or a conquest… Still, should I catch them bragging about it, I could simply say one thing in front of their friends to nullify everything that they were, and get away with it.
Power crazy, I proceeded to lure information out of the girlfriend of the girl in the previous situation. I wanted to know what they’d been talking about a guy I loved… And, I proceeded too fast. If I had played my cards more carefully, I would have had her singing like a canary, but she saw though my intentions and hit me over the head with a bottle of wine – an overreaction to the situation, of course, and half a result of her knowing what I wanted, after all, all of our conversations are public in the spirit world. I wish I remembered what I said when I was being helped up by Johnny Depp, the comment was funny and very Jack Sparrowy even if I do say so myself. 😀 One of the best things about these visions is that I am very freaking witty during these events. :p “Note to self; not immune to wine bottles,” I think it might have been, but I am not sure if that was it.
What that made me think though, was how easily women resort to excess of violence when they don’t know what else to do. Kicking a guy in the groin being probably the most common example of stupid behavior that women do in order to defend themselves against an imaginary threat. Like, what was I going to do to this woman if I didn’t get what I wanted out of her? Pull her tongue out with a pair of tongs by her reaction! She could have just grinned, told me “I know what you’re trying to do, bitch” and walk off. That would have been both cool, sexy, and effective, but instead, she figured a wine bottle induced concussion was the appropriate action to take. The funniest thing is, I know she wanted to tell me what I asked her, but she decided to be loyal to her girlfriend and forced herself into action against me.
The meditative imagination is the next best thing to actual reality
I do think about these experiences as if they had actually happened. Even though the events take place in a non-physical location and “in my head only”, they are very vivid and realistic in so many ways it is incredible to be able to do that. And very educational.
What this situation is equal to is what happens when a lesbian/bisexual woman leaning to lesbianism, aka a natural gynephile polygynist woman is “forced” into sexual relationships with men in the name of heterosexual monogamy and societal norms. They do not love men, but they feel like they have to be in relationships with men in order to do what is expected of them in the society. To make sure you understand this is not men’s fault, it has never been their fault, and if it has, it is no longer to be blamed on men nor women it is just the society we’ve been born into and inherited, whatever route it took to get this way. Monogamy forces natural polygamists into relationships that are terrible for them – both men and women alike. As I mentioned before; This was not love, this was hate, but it is the closest thing to a male-female relationship a lot of people have experience of, even if this is a bisexual relationship. I took the role of the abuser, they are the abused; and to protect myself, I retreated into this creature that uses sex and emotional abuse to keep “the predator” at bay. I feel the power play has to happen in missmatched relationships, to keep the other from getting too close. What is different here is that all along the women knew I was heterosexual, but that is comparable to the times when men were convinced such a thing as a lesbian didn’t exist, and that there was no reason for a woman to reject a man, should a man want one… And that was a long, long time ago… Now, many women think the same way about other people, male and female; “If I want you, there is no reason for you to say no”, where the number of men who think this way is reduced to an anomaly only active feminists are concerned about.
What is typical to the male thinking I am most accustomed to, is the respect of other people’s freedoms. “I do not care what you do, but I am going to do this and expect you allow me to do what I wish.” Men assume that if my actions do not cause harm to you or someone else, I am free to do what I like, but a lot of women feel like “if you do not obey me, you are harming me and I have the right to make you stop and make do as I want you to do.” Some women feel this so strongly, that just reading that out loud doesn’t tweak them to what’s wrong with it, so let me help you. Imagine a guy says this: “If you do not obey me, you are harming me and I have the right to stop you and make you do as I want you to do.” Now you know why you’d have an issue with it, and in gender equal times, you should, at least theoretically, understand that it is not okay to force men into doing things they do not want to do (that are harmful to them) any more than it is OK to force women into such stuff. (But who will go to war if we can’t force men to go? The women will scare, after overwhelmingly agreeing that men are the reason wars happen.)
And even so, I feel softer than before
On a positive note… I feel soft in a way that I’ve never felt soft before, but it is not necessarily a positive thing, either. I feel needy and emotional, like my feelings matter more, now. I used to be able to be the 100% giver in a relationship without ever worrying about it for one moment, and I would just dish out emotion and whatever because I could, because I felt like there was a lot more where that came from, making me, perhaps a little unapproachable because people around me have no real way to love me back or something… it was like I was a one-way bank, but there was no way for people to really love me, because I don’t need anything… But then, I guess for some of my guys it doesn’t matter, because they are similar thinkers, to them, love is a luxury, not a need, the same as me, and the feelings we feel can be dished out from a bottomless well…
Now, I felt like what I gave depleted me the instance it left me. In a way, it makes it possible for my guys to feel needed, but also, it makes me feel like just another girl, and as such, completely ordinary and boring… Neediness is not a nice thing, but it does keep me connected to something I have never really been connected to, and I don’t think I need to be connected to it, and it certainly doesn’t make me feel better, just sluggish and depressed and needy… Hormonal, even. (I have never even noticed hormonal changes, and I think this sift in thinking might make me aware of them, and that should be fun like a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.) Last night when my roommate was cooking, I didn’t even think about lifting a finger to help him out. I am not normally helpful, but at least I feel guilty enough to get up and offer help, but last night I just felt “oh fuck you, you can do all of that, and I don’t give a shit.”
Hopefully, what is good about this is that I no longer feel the temptation to tell women that I am not interested in them in sexually, or that I am immune to bisexuality. It seems to be like a red flag to a bull, tell a girl like this she can’t lure you into the bed with her, she’s going to bang her head against the wall to prove she can do it until the wall breaks or her head cracks… Whichever is weaker. So at least now someone has made the full distance, even if only in spirit, it is no longer a freaking competition of who will prove their sexual prowess on me, and I don’t feel like waving my disinterest as a banner saying “competition starting, winner takes it all”…
In all reality, this type of a woman is no different to the chauvinist pig, they are simply the same thing in a female form. The male chauvinist is a bit of a thing of the past, but the female chauvinist is still there… Alive and well, because nobody has ever truly called a woman out on a character flaw – that would be an unchivalrous thing to do.
Now, a month later
I no longer feel threatened by my bisexual side. The women inside my head have permanently backed down and no longer bother me with it. I feel maybe a little softer than before, but no longer as needy and self-centered as right after the cracking, and I feel no desire for women albeit I feel less observed every time I look at a sexy woman – as I do. My normal way of looking at a sexy woman is to take pointers; “How would a guy see her? Does she have a sexy thing going for her that I could adopt?” This is no longer pinning me to a bisexual category.
And, me and my guys are back to normal.